Here are some prepared “When I Was Your Age…” (WIWYA) stories to keep handy for your future brats.
1. “Oh, you don’t have any pockets for your iPod? When I was your age, there was no pocket big enough to tote our gigantuous discmans.”
AND for shittier models, you had to hold the thing upright or it will skip tracks on you.
2. “Oh, there’s no wifi here? WIWYA, we had to limit our use because internet came in disks and costed monies.”
3. “Oh, your iPad battery is draining low?” WIWYA, we took notes with our bare brittle hands.”
“And the aches! Between the inner thumb and index! OH, THE ACHES!”
4. “Oh, Google Maps is a little laggy? WIWYA, we had to print the directions and PHYSICALLY CARRY IT with us.”
5. “Oh, the picture quality on your phone is not up to par? WIWYA, we had camera phones but couldn’t even send picture texts!”
6. “Oh, you’re “so over” Facebook? WIWYA, Facebook was an exclusive club for .edu students only and everyone felt left out.”
7. “And—what’s that?—you hate when people call you? WIWYA, I could only make calls on weekends or after 7PM.”
8. “…and I had my ass whooped when I went over the texting limit.”
9. “…and times were really tough when you had to carefully choose whose texts to keep in your inbox.”
10. “Oh, you had to download a knockoff version of Flappy Bird? WIWYA, you were lucky if your phone had Snake.”
11. “Oh, you get too many Snaps in a day? WIWYA, we had to pass notes. Backbreaking hand-written notes with sentiments and stuff.”
12. “Oh, you couldn’t download a song for free? WIWYA, if I used Kazaa, I could have been arrested! Or WORSE: GOTTEN A VIRUS.”
13. “Oh, there aren’t enough Instagram filters? WIWYA, we had to expose ourselves in a photo, bare and untouched.”
“And if there was bad lighting, we just had to deal with it.”
14. “Oh, you can’t find a good selfie angle? WIWYA, we had to hold WEBCAMS to the sky.”
15. “Oh, your external hard drive is too heavy? WIWYA, we had to store everything in plastic floppy disks—and, really, could you trust your life’s work on a FLOPPY disk?”
“And when we’d lose one, it was just gone forever. FOREVER.”
16. “Oh, you’re afraid of a little lime shortage? WIWYA, we lived in constant fear of SARS and ANTHRAX and MEL GIBSON.
El Segundo Police Departmen
17. “Oh, the Amazon drone is late to deliver your package? WIWYA, we had to walk—in the MODERATE COLD—to the post office and stand in line LIKE A PLEBEIAN.”
18. “Oh, wha? You can’t function without internet? Well, WIWYA, we spent half our lives without internet, trapped in the darkness of real life, and we turned out OKAY.”*